The Definitive Ranking of Rockhurst Water Fountains
(News Satire)
November 23, 2022
For students at Rockhurst, a journey to the school’s various water fountains has the power to make or break their day. While the cool stream from one fountain might ensure students ace every test that comes their way, a lukewarm, wimpy flow from another is almost guaranteed to cause multivariable students to flunk Algebra I.
As one of the most crucial, and inseparable aspects of Rockhurst student life, our water fountains define who we are. Through good and bad times, our water fountains have stood faithfully by us, giving us the strength to push through all the way. A couple months ago, when Rockhurst lost water pressure, the school community stood in solidarity with our water fountains, canceling school to remind us all that without the precious Elkay LZS8WSLK EZH2Os lining Rockhurst’s halls, we are nothing.
At the same time, however, though they might look similar, no two water fountains at Rockhurst are the same. To address this issue, we here at the Prep News have decided to give the student body Rockhurst’s definitive water fountain ranking, something that will stand the test of time forever. Our judge panel, made up of only the most experienced water connoisseurs in the world (Carter Mihalovich, Tate Slaymaker, and Noah Blanc), ranked all 16 water fountains on Rockhurst’s campus, giving a list that should be taken as Gospel truth.
Focusing on four major categories (Water temperature, stream pressure, taste, and appearance of the water fountain and surroundings) this ranking accounts for every variable that goes into what makes the perfect fountain. Each ranking shows the average score given by our esteemed judge panel in each category, and overall score, on a scale of one to ten. If you disagree with our rankings, then you can’t handle the truth.
1. Performance Gym
Overall Score: 8.5
Temperature: 9.2
Pressure: 9.5
Taste: 8.5
Appearance: 7
The Holy Grail of all water fountains. Tucked into the left side of the Performance Gym, this beauty has it all—ice-cold streams, perfect pressure, and a crisp taste that satisfies. You can’t go wrong with this masterpiece of Elkay craftsmanship.
2. 2nd Floor Stairway
Overall Score: 8.3
Temperature: 8
Pressure: 8.5
Taste: 8.3
Appearance: 8.5
Coming in at a very close second, this fountain, located right outside Coach Mo’s room, is sure to satisfy even the pickiest water aficionado. This location stands out for its excellent taste and easy access, while also offering tons of posters to look at while you drink.
3. McGee
Overall Score: 8
Temperature: 7.3
Pressure: 8.3
Taste: 7.7
Appearance: 8.7
Located in the McGee next to the bathroom, this water fountain looks like it was made for style. The wood paneled trash can nearby only adds to the rustic feel, transporting drinkers from Rockhurst to a mountainside stream. At the same time, this location is also home to one of the most consistent and enjoyable water pressures anywhere on campus.
4. 3rd Floor Stairway
Overall Score: 7.4
Temperature: 8.5
Pressure: 7
Taste: 7.2
Appearance: 6.8
Pretty similar to the 2nd Floor Stairway, but fails to live up to the hype. Though this fountain has a consistently cool temperature, the pressure ranges from just mid to extreme. Watch out for the splash back on this one.
5. Weight Room Hallway
Overall Score: 7.3
Temperature: 9
Pressure: 8
Taste: 5.7
Appearance: 6.5
Crammed in a hole in the wall next to the weight room, this location might look grungy, but it sure doesn’t disappoint. The temperature on this one is almost unbeatable, and it has a great pressure. However, the taste on this one could be a lot more flavorful.
6. Chapel Nook
Overall Score: 6.9
Temperature: 7.8
Pressure: 6.7
Taste: 6.3
Appearance: 6.7
The question everyone seems to be asking: How did this location not score higher? With one of the best appearances (there’s even tile!) and tucked into a small hallway to the right of the Chapel, this underrated location does have its flaws, however. With one of the worst water splatters our judge panel has ever seen, you are guaranteed to get soaked after using this one. Looks can be deceiving.
7. Hallway to Loyola Gym
Overall Score: 6
Temperature: 7.7
Pressure: 3.3
Taste: 7
Appearance: 6.2
Anytime you see a red filter status light on an Elkay LZS8WSLK EZH2O, you know you’re in for some trouble. Located on the right side of the hallway before you enter the Loyola Gym, this water fountain has absolutely trash water pressure. If you can ignore the puny water pressure, this fountain has a decent taste and temperature, making for an okay mid-dodgeball water break.
8. 1st Floor Stairway
Overall Score: 5.9
Temperature: 5.7
Pressure: 7.3
Taste: 5.5
Appearance: 5
This lowest stairway water fountain fails to live up to its higher floor brothers, disappointing in almost every category except pressure. At the time of judging, there was a massive wad of something disgusting (spit? snot? blood?) lying in the fountain, scaring away even the bravest souls from this fountain. At the same time, the uncomfortably warm water of this fountain makes it one to avoid if possible.
9. Hawklet Center—Home Locker Room
Overall Score: 5.8
Temperature: 6.2
Pressure: 3.3
Taste: 5.7
Appearance: 8.2
Another example of a water fountain’s appearance deceiving its users. Located on the bottom floor of the Hawklet Center, on the right side of the left locker room. The taste and temperature are just okay, while the pressure is just flat out disappointing. It’ll do the job after football practice, but you shouldn’t get your hopes up.
10. Stadium—Away Student Section
Overall Score: 5.8
Temperature: 10
Pressure: 10.5
Taste: 2
Appearance: 1
Without a doubt, the single best pressure and temperature anywhere on campus. Located on the away student section of campus, this hidden gem’s pressure is so strong you could probably wash your car with it. While the appearance is quaint, the water tastes like straight metal, so don’t drink from this stream unless you want to play mutation roulette.
11. Wrestling Room
Overall Score: 5.4
Temperature: 6.7
Pressure: 6
Taste: 6.3
Appearance: 2.7
To be honest with you, we didn’t even know this fountain existed until a couple days ago. Situated in a pretty bad location, up the stairs and to the left of the wrestling room this water fountain is mid in almost every aspect, with literally nothing about it standing out. Nothing is really terrible about this fountain, but nothing great about it either, so the appearance and remote location really bring this fountain down.
12. Loyola Gym Locker Room
Overall Score: 5.1
Temperature: 6.7
Pressure: 6.3
Taste: 4.3
Appearance: 3.3
While pretty cold, this fountain combines a dirty appearance with below average taste. Located at the end of the locker room near the Loyola, and on the left side of the hallway that connects to the Performance Gym, the taste will leave you wishing for mouthwash. It hits fine after a tough cross country practice, but students should go elsewhere if they want to enjoy their water fountain experience.
13. Upstairs Hawklet Center
Overall Score: 4.7
Temperature: 4.7
Pressure: 3.3
Taste: 3.3
Appearance: 7.3
One of the biggest letdowns in water fountain history. Located on the top floor of the Hawklet Center next to the staircase, this water fountain has an okay temperature, but horrible taste and pressure. Framed by pictures of Rockhurst’s best athletes all around it, this water fountain is a disservice to Rockhurst’s storied athletic legacy.
14. Hawklet Center—Away Locker Room
Overall Score: 3.6
Temperature: 3
Pressure: 3.6
Taste: 1.3
Appearance: 6.3
STAY AWAY. This has the SINGLE WORST WATER TASTE OUR JUDGES HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED. Located on the bottom floor of the Hawklet Center in the right side locker room, this fountain somehow manages to taste like salt water and a bottle of chemicals at the same time. Combined with a pretty bad temp and pressure, we wouldn’t recommend this water fountain to our worst enemies (or athletic rivals).
15. Maker Space 2
Overall Score: 3.6
Temperature: 6.5
Pressure: 2.7
Taste: 3.7
Appearance: 1.5
Paint or bloodstain? This water fountain, located in the Maker Space hallway right next to the home of our very own Prep News, has a great temperature, but average pressure and taste. However, the strange red stains, combined with the exposed cord under the fountain, make this fountain officially the worst one on Rockhurst’s main campus.
16. Stadium—Home Student Section
Overall Score: 1.5
Temperature: 0
Pressure: 0
Taste: 0
Appearance: 6
We’d imagine that this fountain probably has a pretty bad temp, pressure and taste, but it’s kinda hard to tell when no water even comes out. Harkening back to the dark days when Rockhurst lost water, this water fountain is just flat out depressing.
